C is for Crossroads and Confusion

I feel like this is as good a time as any to tackle this topic as I am at a crossroads in my spiritual life (again). It happens; I am a spiritual wanderer, and there are times when I come to the crossroads and pause, trying to decide what to do and where to go next.

I deliberately use the term ‘confusion’; these periods of time for me are like the time between Samhain and Yule, a time of deep introspection before I come back into the world again reborn. I descend, and I come out again once things have cleared up. It’s not depression. It’s not – I wouldn’t even use the term ‘dark night of the soul’. It’s just… I get to the point where several paths collide, and I can’t move on til I’ve taken all those myriad pieces and paved a road out of it again.

This passage really describes my experience at the crossroads in a way I haven’t been able to describe before:
‘When I say I am at a crossroads in my magickal life, I do not mean that I am faced with a decision to make, which path to follow. I mean that my three main paths of magickal training, study and experience are now converging into one path. I can make no decision, as there is no decision to make.’– Soror Basilisk, The One Who Waits at the Crossroads, in Hekate: Her Sacred Fires, p 143.

This is what happens when I reach the crossroads. It’s a time to take stock of where I’ve been and to figure out how to bring all these experiences together and move on. I’ve never particularly thought of it in terms of alchemical transformation, but maybe that’s exactly what it is. Maybe I’ve been an alchemist without really being aware of it.

I find myself at the crossroads again after eleven years as a Pagan of varying flavours. Only this time, there is someone waiting for me. She is Hekate, and She is in charge of this pause at the crossroads.

So much has happened. Since I first contacted Her, since I left Kemetic Orthodoxy, since my path has started wamdering all over the place. (Well, wandering more than usual…)

I want to write so much. I want to write and write and put all these thoughts and experiences down on paper, on the screen, into words. But I find it impossible to talk about in any coherent form because most of it would not make sense to anyone else. It’s not secret; it’s not something I will never speak about. But it is too incomprehensible to talk about. It is as close to my understanding of what Mysteries are about.

I’m only just beginning to work out whyShe has come into my life at this point in time. She has said She has been with me ‘from the beginning’, though I don’t really understand what She is referring to. The beginning of what? Will I ever find out? I have no idea. But She is here now, and She has claimed me for this next year. I am Hers and Hers alone, for now.

She is a Goddess of liminal spaces, of those between and not-quite-there. Gateways and doors and passageways. In some ways, I really don’t find it strange She has claimed me. I am genderqueer myself; my gender is fluid and dynamic. It is not set. It is between, and outside of, and something else entirely. It is a liminal space, and She is Goddess of transformations. There is alchemy inside me; I am allgendered like the Creator Gods. Allgendered/othergendered/agendered/something else entirely. I am only just beginning to figure out what all that really means.

Perhaps this is why I was shown the World Tree when I first contacted Hekate; it is, as I understand it, a connection/symbol of Her as the Cosmic World Soul. She is up there with Amun, Tem, and Nit, up there with all the other Gods of the Cosmis.

But as dazzlingly chaotic and mindblowing as all that is, our connection is much closer too. This pause at the crossroads is beginning to illuminate things. I am beginning to Know Thyself. Wepwawet describing me as a pack animal. My own role as guide and companion, how I am something of a torchbearer for other people (and hadn’t really realised that until now). All these things that have not made any sense before are slowly coming together.

I think it is Hekate’s presence that is making this pause at the crossroads seem more significant than the previous ones. The paths I’ve been walking before have finally met. And, yeah, I don’t think I’ll ever be a pure recon, but that was never something I wanted anyway. But this seems like this will finally be the time where I forge my recon(ish) leanings and my witchcraft together into one practice. What form that will take yet I have no idea. I have not paused long enough to see the big picture yet.

I think now is the time to look into alchemy properly. Being at the crossroads now is a time of transformation for me, and I think I need to fully embrace the Alchemist inside me to properly forge the right foundations for this new path. Spiritual alchemy more than physical alchemy though. I find the idea of physical alchemy rather dull and uninteresting. I want to go deeper than that.

I see this as moving towards the Magician I feel I need to become. Heru-sa-Aset asked it of me, and so does Djehuty. Amun is interested too. With Aset and Hekate as both Great of Magic, I think it is time to stop resisting the path of the Magician and Witch and see where it is I end up.

There are things only Hekate can teach me, so says Sobek. But there is no decision to make though, not really. It is a time for reflection and introspection, to cast aside what is no longer needed and nurture that which is most useful. I am the Magician forging something new from where I’ve been before. Who else but Hekate could tutor me in this endeavour? Who else but the Lady Who Waits at the Crossroads?

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