Q is for Questioning and Doubt

I’ve been a little busy lately, and I’ve got one P post to catch up with. IDK if it’ll be the Pokémon one though. I’ve written about four drafts, and hated all of them, so maybe I’ll have to think of something else for P. Or, alternatively, try drafting the fucker one more time to see if I can make it say what I want it to say. Either way, I owe you another P post, so that should turn up at some point. My Fridays are too busy atm. D:

I also wanted to do Queer Paganism for one of my Q entries, but I still don’t know what to write about that either, so I’m going to leave that one for next week, or, alternatively, until I have more of an idea of what it is apart from ‘I DON’T KNOW’ and ‘QUEER GODS YAY’, which wouldn’t make for much of a post.

So, in light of that, this week’s is about questioning and doubt. Because I’ve been feeling a lot of that lately as well, and it’s been on my mind. I’ve been having this period where I’m just disconnected from everything. I know the Gods are there; I just can’t feel Them. I don’t often feel that way, but it kind of hit me hard, and I wasn’t expecting it. I was trying to get back into the habit of daily devotions, and the rite I was using wasn’t calling to me. I felt like I was just going through the motions, and there was no reason to do it. I didn’t feel anything for it, so I stopped.

That made me step back and think about what it is I need and want in a daily devotion. And I kept thinking about what I’d learnt from Judaism, and I kept looking at this Hellenic set of devotions, and it nagged at me. Maybe I could use that as a template, or at least as a starting point, and build a Graeco-Kemetic devotional rite from there. So that’s the current ponderous job.

But I’m kind of digressing, because if I wanted to write about daily devotions, I’d do so, and not about what I want to write about here. It was the period before that inspiration that I wanted to look into more, because I did feel sometimes like I was mad, that talking to Gods was futile, and it was all in my head. I was just playing pretend, and there was nothing there. I… don’t know if this is a relic of reading about Judaism for so long, and still being somewhat stuck in that sort of mindset, where I had to keep looking at things from that perspective as I wrote that damn story, and having a schizophrenic incarnate Archancel  as a main character. Maybe it’s also just the fallow quiet time too, it being the dead of winter, where the Gods are off tending to Ma’at, and we don’t need to chat at the moment. Maybe it’s me being dense and just not hearing properly, too. Maybe it’s a combination of all of them. I don’t know.

But I tend to question everything anyway. I find it hard to just accept any spiritual experience without question, particularly if it’s UPG, like with my Celestial Twins thing. I still don’t have much of a historical base for it either, but I’m not overly concerned about that. More… finding out why They might want this sort of thing with me. I still don’t particularly know, but it does provide an answer for why They are so close to each other. Heru-sa-Aset is still almost impossible for me to connect to, though. I just can’t find the right way to get Him to talk to me, like He seems to do with everyone else. I have only felt His presence once. I have felt Set around more often than I have felt Heru-sa-Aset. This makes me wonder why I even bother. At what point do you stop trying to contact a God when you keep getting nowhere? Why is He apparently so important to me when He remains so silent? I still struggle with these questions, and even if He is Harpocrates, this doesn’t really help. I begin to doubt He’s really there at all, and I’ve wasted five years chasing after a God who was not there.

There are times now when I’m not even sure what it is I’m doing, trying to build this syncretic path. I don’t know what it is I’m meant to be building. I don’t know what it’s all meant to look like. I’ve been given a whole bag full of puzzle pieces, but not the picture they make once I put them all together. So everything becomes experimental. Put a few things together, try it out, and see if it works. Keep what does, discard what doesn’t, which is mostly how I work anyway. But it is frustrating, and I still sometimes wonder if I’m heading in the right direction. I haven’t got a lot of feedback from my Gods about this, but assuming that Them not stepping in means I’m doing alright isn’t a sure thing. I don’t like being that confident about what silence means. I mean, I hesitate to say it’s disapproval as much as I hesitate to say it’s approval. It’s just silence, and I have to rely on other ways of figuring out what I’m meant to be doing.

At the same time, though, I really don’t want to get to the sort of stage where I’m Absolutely Confident About Everything and I stop questioning and doubting my path. I need that self-check to keep me grounded and to make sure I don’t get so caught up in myself that I end up semi-delusional or something. I need to check and double-check, and look up information, and just make sure that what I’m experiencing is alright, that it’s not just me being weird or crazy. I think that sort of self-checking is important for any spiritual path, to keep you grounded and connected with reality. Question everything. Question why you believe this, and not that, and don’t stop until you have a satisfactory answer.

I don’t know. I feel like this is where I copypasta my entry on Faith, because that’s pretty much my guide. I just have to trust my Gods know what They’re doing, and that They’ll let me know if I’m straying off-course. I’m not sure what else I can reasonably do, apart from try things out, experiment, and figure out what works and is needed for the path I’m building now. I feel like this is a path that needs to be complete, and needs to have a solid foundation, and that requires a lot of work. I’m not even sure when that will be done. I’m assuming this will stop at some point, but I’m not sure when. I need to figure out so much to make any of this work. I feel like I should get it to the point where it could be teachable to someone else, even if I never get a chance to do that. It should be complete enough to teach to someone else.

In the meantime, I’ll keep asking questions, and hope I get some answers.

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