I’ve wanted to post here for weeks, but I just haven’t had the inspiration. It’s partly due to uni taking over most of my brain’s capacity to think, which leaves me with less capacity to think about religion. Which is why I’m behind on my Kemetic Round Table posts. And my Pagan Blog Project posts. That, and the fact I’ve been dealing with two big bang novellas since IDK January and my brain is, like, totally stuffed full, and there is no room for other things.
Such is mundane modern life, of course, though that is not an excuse.
That said, I have been keeping up with everyone else’s blogs that I’m following, and it has given me some pause for thought, though I hardly think I’ll write anything myself, as I feel like it’s already been said ten times before and better than I could manage. The posts about community, and the recent KRT ones about daily life, they’ve been on my mind the most.
I’ve hit something of a roadblock in my practice, probably about a month ago. It’s taken me a while to figure out just why, though. I mean, I had my daily rites, but it just wasn’t doing anything for me anymore. I did think that maybe it was a sign I needed to rejig them and rewrite them, but I don’t think that’s it at all.
I’ve never been very good at that whole ‘living your faith’ thing. I think that’s my biggest problem. I can do the rites, but I’m not so good at following through and living it, and I’ve hit a point in my life where I suddenly feel like it’s a serious problem. I don’t doubt it’s related to Sobek’s call to be priesting for Him, and with that obviously comes a higher responsibility and a need to live your faith in a much more committed manner. I knew that going into all this, but when you’re solitary, and you’re doing your best to build a religion from books and instinct, there’s not really a template to follow. I think I got to a point where I didn’t know what I was even doing, or where to go from there, now that I had my daily rites sorted.
Monastic things have been on my mind lately. It’s completely unrealistic in many ways, if not because I’m solitary and Pagan, but I keep being drawn to it – for reasons I still don’t really understand. I think part of it is that it is the expression of faith I am most drawn to, in the sense that I have always been more inclined to private, quiet faith, rather than anything more … visible? Or loud? That kind of contemplative mystic spirituality I really admire, though it’s really hard to live it on your own. I don’t think that will necessarily stop me, though, if the Gods get Their way.
But it’s also really hard to make that leap and live your faith in that way. At least, it is for me. I feel like I am pretty much on my own, and I don’t really feel like I have any kind of support for what I want to do. In the sense that I have no (RL) community or partners to support that kind of monastic thing. And not having a template to follow, that’s also hard. I’m making up so much of this path on my own, and I never really feel like I’m doing it right. I think sometimes I am too intellectual and never really feel like I have built enough of anything to practice.
I still don’t really have any answers yet, either, except a continuing urge to make at least one more set of prayer beads for Sobek and Heru. I think I might end up being the sort of person who needs a physical thing to ground themselves, a reminder of why I do this, as well as a connection to my Gods. Wooden beads have been called for, so now I’ll have to go out and source the right kind for Them, and string them up myself. It may not be much to begin with, but I think it might begin to help me feel like my religious life is not solely situated in front of a shrine. I think I really need that, or, yeah, I will stop feeling like I’m doing anything.
I also want to do some more blogging and such, though it might not all be public, because I want to thrash out some thoughts about what’s important and how I want to structure this syncretic mess of a religious practice into something that has meaning. I don’t really know where I fit in with it, I think, because it’s become too amorphous. I need to bring it back again, and I don’t think it’s that much of a coincident that I picked up an icon of Hekate a couple of weeks back. I might have to ask Her for help, as I seem to have found myself at another crossroads. I need Her to light the way out again, or at least help illuminate the things I need to make this work.
(Also, my foray into druidry is turning very Graeco-Roman, because Hestia and Hekate and Ianus, and I am constantly failing at sticking to a single practice within a single cultural pantheon. But I think this means I’m doing polytheism right? Right?? *has no idea at all* *splashes about like a Magikarp* *but nothing happens*)