It’s nearly time for the Spring Equinox, and I feel like I might finally be coming up for air. Or, at least, emerging from the dark time. It’s been a very deep and introspective time. Not quite a Fallow Time, but more … introverted. Lots of internal stuff going on, as well as being busy with things in the mundane world. Trying and failing to write things, trying and failing to find a job, trying not to go mad and smash things because politics, the usual. It makes for a strange disconnect, sometimes, when I try to reconcile the normality of life, with all the other spiritual stuff. A lot’s happened, and I’m alright. It’s still been a weird winter, but it’s time to re-emerge, and I’ve felt that urge to write again, and re-engage with the world.
So, er, bear with me, if this post gets a little long, and rambly. I will probably need more posts to go into things in more detail, if necessary, but this is what’s on my mind at the moment. I hope this all comes out coherently. It’s still a little muddled in my head.
The gods have felt quite absent lately, ever since the Mysteries, but I’m not really surprised. Winter is usually quite quiet in that sense. They’re all busy doing God Things, and that’s fine. I’ve never been the sort of Pagan who needs gods to micromanage my life. I’ve been working a lot with Hekate, Artemis, and Isis, though. I don’t know why those three, and why now, but I’m not complaining. The Ladies are taking care of me, and that’s alright with me.
I mostly meet Them at the full and new moons, in meditation. Artemis and Isis are more prominent at the moment. Hekate fell away a few months back, but it wasn’t a leaving, more … stepping back to make room for others. She does notice when I don’t come back to see Her as often, but She doesn’t mind. She loves me anyway, and that’s still a strange thing to think about. Never saw that happening when I first started working with Her back in 2012 on a small island in New Zealand.
Artemis is talkative, and queer as fuck, and I really enjoy Her presence in the short time we’ve been acquainted. She was another unexpected god I never considered I’d end up working with, but She is wonderful. I feel our relationship is more like a friendship/companionship than anything else, and that’s alright. She’s something of a neutral party, in amongst all the other god relationships I have, and it’s nice to feel I can just talk to Her if I need to, without worrying it’ll screw everything up.
It’s nice to talk to Isis again, though. It seems like I haven’t heard Her voice, or felt Her presence for years. And She finally let me see (one of) Her face(s), in meditation, which I’ve never seen before. She feels much less HUGE, like Aset usually does. I’d never quite grokked that difference until recently. Can’t tell if due to separate-ness or scale, but gods, eh? Yeah. We met last month at one of the temples at Bakhu, and I can only describe it as an initiation into Water. It’s hard to talk about, in many ways, but that’s what it was. We’ve been talking a lot about magic, and elements, and visualisation. The power in my hands to bring forth things into the world.
Most of what I’ve been working on has been internal. Building courage and confidence in myself and my abilities. I’ve never been very good at believing in myself, but I’m getting better at that. It’s hard to get rid of all that talk that’s been in my head for years. Might need to try an execration or two to see if that helps break it down. Not that I’m expecting miracles from that, but it might act as a catalyst to help shift me a long a little. IDK. *psychology, waves hands, idk idk* I mean, I can feel it in myself, that small subtle change where I feel like I’m a little bit stronger, like my djed is a bit stronger now than it was before. Which is a weird sensation, but there you go. But it is only a start, but at least it is a start. There are times when I feel like all the change I try to do to myself is just me pretending. I ever quite believe it works. But maybe the druidry thing helps. The stabilising Tree. Wesir. That sort of thing. IDK.
I’ve also been working on that ‘selling things’ idea that all the gods have been nagging me about for months. Making journals and prayer beads and runes and whatnot and selling them on Etsy, for lack of a better idea. It is progressing, and while it’s not quite ready yet, I’m hoping to be ready by early next month. There’ll be a proper dedicated post on that later, because it’s not fair to bury that in the middle of all that, and expect everyone to pay attention, but yes, it is a thing now. It’s called Shedety Scriptorium (and Magical Supplies, for wont of a full name that sounded IDK more explanatory than without it). Got plenty of journals made, and ready to go, along with several sets of prayer beads, and two sets of runes. But moar on that lateror. It is late, and I’m tired, and yes. (That weird subtle change thing might also be A Sign of a lack of Godly Nagging to Get On With Things, since I have mostly Got On With Things.) (But IDK.)
What else did I want to talk about? Oh, yes. I joined ADF at last. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, since I do love the way they do ritual, and the Solitary Druid Fellowship at least gave me two years to play around with ADF style ritual, to see if I liked it enough to join ADF properly. And since SDF is now closing down, it seemed the time to do that. I think I am going to dive into the Dedicant’s Program, if only because I feel like I haven’t really studied druidry with any sort of depth, and I feel I need to know it better than I do if I’m doing to mesh that into my practice. If I pick a hearth culture, it’ll be Saxon, just because I feel like half the reason my work with Woden and Thunor has lapsed is because I don’t really have a good established context for Them yet. And if I’m going to use a bastardised druidic cosmology in a Kemetic framework, I might as well understand it better in a PIE framework. In a ‘know the rules before you break them’ sort of manner. IDK. If all else fails, I will have moar knowledge in my mind, and I’m fine with that. Moar knowledge is good.
OHOH. And another Isis thing. (Sorry this is a bit disjointed, my brain is a bit fuzzy atm.) One of the things that emerged from the initiation thing was that. See, IDK why, but for a long time, Aset/Isis was the only god I worked with who explicitly referred to me as female. I … never felt it was a Thing imposed on me, because my gender weirdness turned up a long time after I started worshipping Her. And sure I’ve tried to make it work, to balance male, female, and neutral, but I’ve given up on that. I could never quite feel comfortable mentally trying to be female. So I’ve gone back to a weird mix of genderqueerness and transmasculineness. (But I digress.) (That’s probably a whole other post on its own, so.) No, what’s weird (but nice) is that when She’d dunked me under the water in the pool to initiate me, and name me, She gave me a neutral name. She acknowledged that referring to me as female just wasn’t working for me anymore, so She’s stopped.
There’s also a whole ‘nuther Isis Stellar Maris (Isis Star of the Sea) thing to write about, which is just … complicated. And weird. (I am not a sea person. At all.) And it’s weird and complicated because I feel like, when we were in the water, I finally figured out which of Her faces I was dealing with. Like, I always found it weird Aset never came with Serqet for me, back when I was Kemetic Orthodox, but She just wasn’t there. Aset said She wasn’t there; that it was just Aset. And I’ve been through so many different paths and meanderings, trying to find Aset and Isis, and figure out whether I’m dealing with two gods, or one god, or something else entirely. I’m still not entirely sure. But Isis Stellar Maris is who I’m dealing with at the moment, and it’s the first time I’ve ever had a name given to me for Her. I’ve always dithered between Aset and Isis, and in spite of Their/Her many and varied forms, I never really connected to/settled on any particular one. In the sense that, yes, this is who She is with me, and I’m not dealing with Weret Hekau, or the Great Mother, or Sopdet, or whatever. She is Isis Stellar Maris.
Which, I feel like I can sort of stop obsessing/worrying about the whole ‘Queen of Heaven, Star of the Sea’ thing I was bothered about, trying to make sense of why that title drew me in so much. Went through Marian and Hekatean and Yemayan meanderings, and never quite puzzled it out. Couldn’t see the woods from the trees, I think. Mary and Isis and Hekate do have a similar sort of energy, though. I can tell Them apart only because Mary tends to feel much more subtle, and sad; and Hekate has a much darker energy than the other two.
I’ll get back to you once I figure out the Artemis-Isis-Hekate Thing. Because there totally is a Thing there, an echo of historical relationships They once had. I just need to puzzle out how that’s manifesting for me.
…I realise I haven’t really talked about Sobek or Heru much, but there’s not much to report there. They’ve both been pretty absent over the winter, but I put it down to God Stuff. It’s usually quiet after the Mysteries, anyway. Wesir’s dead, and Heru’s being born, and there are more important things to deal with than me. Which is fine. I still get a little touch from Sobek every now and then, but it’s not constant. We meet more in meditation; I can come see Him whenever I need to, rather than on a regular schedule, or so says Sobek. Which is pretty much how we’ve always worked, so that’s fine.
OHOHOH. Yes. I remember the last thing: I re-read Small Gods by Terry Pratchett recently, and realised where I’d got most of my theology from. So there’s that. (That also probably requires a whole post of its own.) Pratchett theology is the best theology. For realz.
Anyway. I think I’m done now. It’s nearly half twelve in the morning, and I ought to be in bed, so. Moar tomorrow, or something. IDK.